Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Imperfect


I'd be lying if I said that I love where I am in life or if I came on here and wrote a frilly blog post about how much I love myself and my life. 

If you want the truth the here it is: I am 21 in a few months, I am not currently attending school haven't been for a while now, but I plan on going back. I live in a town that I have dreamt of leaving since elementary school. I work full time overnights and as a result I don't sleep on my days off.

Last night was my first night off in a week and I stayed up all night watching Grey's Anatomy and ate a whole pizza in a makeshift fort on the floor of my room. And now I'm typing this. 

I am smart, incredibly independent and strong, but I do not have everything together. I'm surrounded by boxes right now  because I don't want to unpack and I don't even own a bed. I feel uncomfortable in my own house and in my own skin. 

This isn't a post to make you feel bad for me. I'm just here to tell you the truth. Because no one seems to want to write about the hard stuff. 

No ones life is perfect and mine certainly isn't either, but that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. I know that life won't always be like this. And I know that part of the reason it is like this is my fault. 

You see, I'm scared. I'm so damn scared. I'm scared of failure so I keep pushing my enrollment in college back. I'm scared of facing reality so I work and I work until I'm burnt out. I'm scared of letting people know that I'm scared so I've isolated myself. I'm scared of facing the reality that nothing is going to be easy so I just tell myself that someday it'll be better.

But that "someday" is going to be here before I know it. And I'm the one who's going to have to make it happen. I'm the one who is responsible for my happiness. 

No ones life is perfect. Some people choose to hide their demons and some choose wear them. I choose not to face them, but I know I have to start. 

When I was little I used to believe that before we are born we sit down with God or some higher being and discussed what our life would be like. I had this idea in my head that our life was predetermined down to every last minor detail and decision. And that's how I convinced myself that things would always improve. 

I don't know what I believe anymore. I don't know even know what i believe in and I don't know if I believe fully that things will be okay. I just know that I have to try. 

My life is nowhere near perfect, but neither is yours. Who decides what is or isn't perfect anyways? I have a damn good life and I wouldn't change it for the world. Every little imperfection makes up who I am and who I am going to be as a whole. And if I wasn't in the place I was now then maybe I wouldn't recognize the need I have to grow. 

It's never too late to reevaluate your life. Don't wait for your someday. Because that day is and it should be now.  




Thursday, October 9, 2014

Chicago through my iPhone

Last weekend I took an impromptu trip to Chicago for the day. Probably the most exciting thing about the trip was finally seeing my family for the first time in 8 months! 



Also seeing my sister's little pregnant belly for the first time! 

I had a place specifically in mind for brunch, but after wandering for a half an hour looking for the place I finally settled on a little French restaurant called La Brasserie. 










I literally found this place by searching "smoked salmon sandwich" on google. And we weren't going to go here, but I was lucky enough that we walked passed it on the street starving and cold and we stopped in. Definitely an amazing choice. The Croque Salmon was absolutely delicious and watching my Mother actually order French food was incredibly surprising because she is pretty much the pickiest and least adventurous person when it comes to food I know. 

Unfortunately it was so cold and rainy out that we ended up leaving a few hours before we has originally planned. Didn't lessen my love for Chicago. 






And of course we had to go out for dinner with the rest of my siblings and take an obnoxious amount of pictures. 





It sucks only being there for a day, but hopefully soon I can be back for a longer trip. 





Friday, August 22, 2014

Judgement

I wrote this today. I posted it on my tumblr, but I liked it so much that I decided I would like to post it here as well. It really resonates with me right now and I hope that other people can understand where I am coming from.


I’m hurt. Incredibly so. And if you could read this I’d appreciate it.

I don’t wish harm on another human being. I couldn’t careless if we grew apart or we fell out or we just lost touch, there’s no way I would be cruel to that person. I would never talk about them badly behind their back because of their choices or even their choice to not be friends with me or mine to not be friends with them. 
Do not judge me for the choices I make in my own life that only affect me. I make my choices and you make yours. Friendship is a two way street.”You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.” -Audrey Hepburn
Be kind. Do not judge in a way in which you would not want to be judged.
Truthfully, who I was a few months, weeks, years ago is not who I am today. I am forever growing and changing and learning. The choices I choose and the paths I take have no bearing on you. Respect me and my life choices. 
I do not and I will never claim to be perfect. I make mistakes every day. I’m moody and I can be snippy when I’m in a bad mood. I’m nothing to look at. I see my flaws. I face them every single day when I look in the mirror. I face it every second I’m left alone with my thoughts. Do not try and exemplify my awareness. I can be crazy, neurotic and unkind. I can be quiet. I am nowhere near selfless. And I have made mistakes I can never take back
I’m constantly working towards a better me. And part of that better me is distancing myself from people who make me feel like less than I am and people who hold me back from growing into who I could one day be. Please do not pretend to know me when you do not. 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Abandoned Once

Today a friend and I did something a little crazy and we went to Minneapolis to explore. We didn't stay long, but I really needed the adventure after the month I've had! So I figured I share some of my shots with you all.









I'm sorry I haven't really updated as of late. I think that as usual, I have a lot of things in my daily life I need to work out. Such as balancing life with work and friends with alone time, moving passed my past and trying to enjoy my hometown while I'm living in it. And I think that most of all I really need to look for what I can do to improve myself for myself rather than trying to be what everyone else seems to want for me to be. And maybe remembering that what other people say or think doesn't matter as much as what I do because I have the right to fully love myself even when I don't even think I deserve it.

Some updates as of late:
I had a few shoots with some of my film cameras and I'm incredibly excited to develop the film and see how they turn out.
I'm going to be an aunt again and I'm so excited for February to roll around.
I deferred my enrollment (AGAIN) to Montana for the spring of 2015, but I'm going to try to take some online classes until then.
And just some world/US updates that I'm sure you're already updated on, if anyone isn't already aware or educated about what's currently going on in Ferguson I kindly urge you to do so because it's important and should not be ignored if you want any information I figured I link you to a google doc that a friend of mine made to keep people informed: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BRH_k3vTOyTNyTUsAw61qZl8CqiRDi4_BzzXtj7dmeM/edit

Is anyone even still reading this? if you are, you should know how much I missed updating here.
-Kaili

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Summertime Flowers


I didn't want to blog unless I had something exciting/substantial to say. Why do I constantly feel like I need to blog only if I have something going on in my life at the moment. I haven't been doing much except work and sleep, but it doesn't mean I have nothing to say. 

In the past month I:
Moved into my new apartment.
Got offered a full time position with benefits at one of my current jobs. :) 
Put in my two weeks to one job and then promptly took it back and agreed to work twice a week. 
Bought these beautiful film cameras:
And then went overboard buying stuff online. 
Decided to defer my enrollment to Montana for another semester and go to community college in the meantime.
Decided that if I'm not "okay" ALL the time, it's okay.
Watched TFIOS and cried like a baby. 
Worked all day and night on the 4th of July. I really want to celebrate by myself with sparklers right now. Is it too late? 
Embraced new opportunities. 
And constantly wanted to go swimming. 

How has your summer been so far?

Monday, June 9, 2014

Taking Stock





Making :  plans to move. I'm going stir crazy in my hometown. 
Cooking : I just made Amy's vegan burritos because I'm too exhausted to cook at the moment. 
Drinking : Arnold Palmer right now. Flashback to high school!
Reading: Re Reading Paper Towns at the moment. I have so many books that have been waiting for me to read for months though. 
Wanting: Canon 70d
Looking: For a new adventure
Playing: With new blog ideas
Wasting: My life working constantly
Sewing: Nothing
Wishing: I had all the answers
Enjoying: New summer weather
Waiting: For my "great perhaps"
Liking: Bubble baths and Netflix
Wondering: What is yet come
Loving: New Opportunities
Hoping: To pick up a camera and rediscover my lost passion
Marvelling: At how many people know who John Green is now! I've been watching his videos since high school and now TFIOS is everywhere
Needing: To make a change. 
Smelling: Laundry Detergent
Wearing: $2 Flannel from the little boys section
Following: The new twitter hashtags created with the idea of combatting violence against woman in mind l! 
Noticing: That I'm not as happy as I want to be
Knowing: That it'll get better
Thinking: About new tattoos I have in mind
Feeling: Like I'm ready to make some tough decisions
Bookmarking: New prints from etsy for my new room
Opening: Another bag of Epsom Salt for my horribly aching feet. Seriously. I'm on my feet 18 hours of the day....I think my body hates me 
Giggling: At Neighbors which I saw for the 2nd time yesterday
Feeling: Like I already did this one :)

A "borrowed post" from http://www.talesofmeandthehusband.com/

Monday, June 2, 2014

The last couple weeks

On May 23rd one of my best friends from high school got married and I am beyond blessed to have been there on her special day. I rode up early and got to hang out w/her and the bridesmaids before the ceremony. It was amazing and surreal to watch the entire day unfold. She is such a beautiful person and I have no doubt in my mind that Amy and Caramon are an amazing match.
She wore the dress her mother wore when she married her father. And her father wrote two songs that were played at the ceremony. One he write specifically for his own wedding and the other he wrote specifically for her and her new husband. It was an incredibly sentimental day. 
She was stunning and I shed a few tears as she walked down the aisle. 
Afterwards I just about tackled her. WE WERENT SUPPOSED TO GROW UP. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TWO NERDY HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS FOREVER. Where has the time gone? Why is everyone making so many new life decisions!? I don't want to grow up. 

Here are just a few more pictures of the goings on in my life aside from working 80 hours a week. 






Oh and currently my new obsession: 

Have a good one ☺️

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

What am I doing?


(I look really awful in this picture, but it was one of the last days I got to spend with my best friend/Ann Perkins before she left for New York to pursue her dreams. So proud of her!)
This is just a repost from my tumblr, but I felt like I needed to update here since I haven't updated in so long. I'm doing well. I'm trying and I know that I'll get through whatever comes my way. 
I like the idea of earning everything I get in life. That’s why I work two jobs. I’m exhausted and work sixteen hours out of the day most of the time, but it’s reassuring to know that I’m able to do it. My body aches and my feet hurt horribly, but I’m okay. I still walk two miles to work every day and two miles back sometimes making the trip twice. And I work thirty hours straight, come home and still get up for work in five hours. Everyone thinks I’m crazy and I’m told to quit one of my jobs by pretty much everyone I know, but it’s such an amazing feeling to look at myself and realize how much potential I actually have. I work so hard and I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere in life.
The other week, I tried to renter the school I attended my first semester of college. I failed two classes so I had to talk to the dean directly and she told me that I wasn’t worthy of an education at the college level and she told me to come back when I could prove that I am. There is so much I wish I would’ve have said to her. I should have stood up for myself and told her how wrong she was, but I believed her. I told myself that I haven’t earned an education. I haven’t worked hard enough to be someone in life. But I can’t help but wonder, if I’m not working hard enough now, how much harder can I actually work? Being told that I can’t do something by someone who has absolutely no knowledge or insight into my life is one of the most demeaning and heartbreaking things. This woman decided my future in less than two minutes. And while I believed her in that moment, there is no evidence to suggest that I have not earned an education. I had a hard semester two years ago. I struggled with self doubt, I stopped eating, I stopped caring and all I wanted to do was give up. I may have failed two of my classes, but I finished the semester and I talked to all of my professors directly about my struggles and I even emailed the dean to set up an appointment when I knew failing was a possibility. Not only did the dean not care, but I was told that they were too busy to sit down with me. I am not a failure because I failed. I’m proud that I had the courage to stand back up and pick up my life again. I’ve proven to myself that I can make it. I haven’t given up. I’ve pushed myself and I am one of the hardest working people I know. There is no one in this world who can tell me that I am not “worthy”. Don’t ever tell someone that they can’t do something, because anyone can do anything. 
And most importantly: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt