Monday, September 30, 2013

On Pain.

I feel as if I have a loose thread that keeps me from holding myself together sometimes.

This is going to be another text heavy post.

I had a lot of plans for things to write this week, but I'm going to hold off because I think that this is something I need to address.

If I could pretend the last few days of my life never happened, I would in a heartbeat. Actually if I could forget the last month of my life happened I wouldn't hesitate. That's not reality though.

Here's the thing, I convinced myself that I was okay. I felt so good and I didn't think that I had anything to worry about anymore.

I am so scared, I am scared of so much. I'm scared every single day of my life and while this isn't something I would normally admit to myself it's the truth. The fear I feel in living each and every day is sometimes overwhelming. I'm not scared of any one thing. I'm not scared of other people. And I didn't really understand this fear at all, but after this past weekend I realized that I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of my future. I'm scared of not knowing what lies ahead of me. I'm scared of who I am and not knowing who I am going to become. I'm afraid of being weak and vulnerable.

It's not even that anything particularly awful happened to me in the past few days. Actually, I can't really remember most of the past few days, it's all a blur to me right now. However, the past few days have probably been the wake up call that I needed.

I woke up Sunday finally realizing that this pain that I felt earlier this month. The pain that I had convinced myself was gone, it's still there.

And it hits me in waves at the most unexpected moments. And in all honesty, the pain isn't unbearable. It's not so much something I dwell on. I am really happy with who I am as a person and I've transitioned rather gracefully this month.

The problem I have with this pain is how I deal with it. It's like one tug on that one loose thread and I fall to pieces. And I try to sew myself back together, but i can never quite get it right. I'm not strong enough to cut that thread. And when I fall to pieces again instead of sewing myself up again I drown in the pain. I let it consume me until I feel almost nothing. I let it convince me that there's nothing left of me to be saved.

I really really want to make it clear that I don't constantly feel this pain. I don't really feel this pain so much right now, but I felt it Saturday and all of Sunday. The thing about pain is that it's impossible to just cut it off. It's impossible for me to just not feel it. Pain is inescapable. Everyone is going to feel it and while obviously no one wants to feel it in some ways this pain can be a good thing. It can make you stronger, you can learn from this pain. Pain comes in so many different forms that sometimes it's hard to even understand what is causing it in the first place.

One day I'm going to overcome this pain. I'm going to cut that thread and I'm no longer going to feel like I'm just a bunch of different pieces precariously perched on top of one another waiting to fall down again. I think that the only way I'm going to work through the pain is to finally accept it and realize that it's temporary. Whatever hurts me right now will probably make me stronger in the future.

I don't really know what this pain stems from. I think that for the most part, my pain is caused by my fear.

****I'm fine by the way.This was more just a post working through my own thoughts at the moment because I find writing tends to be my best therapy.****

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Just another day

I have a lot to write, but no motivation to write it. Sometimes I have too much going on in my head that I feel like writing it down might confuse me even more. I think I'm going to give myself a few days to work through these thoughts before I put them into one coherent thought rather than a million different ramblings. 

Anyways, today I caught up with a girl I was friends with in high school. I don't talk to her often and it's always nice to hang out with a person you don't normally hang out with. She's a total sweetheart and some of my fondest memories I have with her was in choir. We even went to state together twice for Solo/Ensemble for the double trio I put together for choir. 

Yesterday was a pretty busy day. I love days like that. I ate Chipotle as usual with one of my good friends I reconnected with after high school. And thenI went back to my old high school with Mandy to visit my Mock Trial coach. It's locked during the day so we couldn't go until after school was out which meant a lot of hugs from people I used to go to school with and from the siblings of some of my friends. And I finally picked up my diploma after over a year because I'm irresponsible and never picked it up which resulted in a lot of people in the office laughing at me when I told them that I graduated in 2012. 

Today I'm feeling rather nostalgic. I really miss that part of high school. I was involved in so many activities. Choir, Theatre, Mock Trial, Swimming...I think that that's one part of not being in college that's really bothering me right now. 

Mandy's car battery died three times yesterday. And finally after switching cars we decided to go to the beach. Which was closed, but we went anyways.....shhh (we weren't the only people who snuck in though). 

This is my favorite place to take pictures at the moment. I really wish I could take winter pictures here, but I know it would be too dangerous to walk down here considering how icy it gets. 

dress: goodwill scarf: gifted

It certainly doesn't feel like Fall some days. Mandy and I still catch ourselves talking about how much we wish we could go back to July when everything seemed so much more simple, when we went to the beach almost daily and we were both so incredibly happy. Although I know that we are only feeling this way for kind of ridiculous reasons and that we'll both be okay. 


After the beach we had a million more errands to run and we concluded finally that we are basically the same person. Possibly what made me laugh the most yesterday was our former teacher's and other people's reactions when we told them we were living together. One person asked if we have killed each other yet. We haven't in case you were wondering. 

Friday, September 20, 2013

Fearless Friday: Pride

*this post is text heavy and is also slightly redundant at certain points*

I have a fear of pride or of being perceived as vain.

I remember being so proud of myself as a child. I would write every week and then read all of my stories in front of the class. Not once did I think that I wasn't good.

It's funny to look back on these moments and remember how proud you were of everything you accomplished as a child, but as you grew up, you learned to live by everyone else's expectations rather than your own. You began to feel envious of people who were better at certain things than you and you slowly began to feel resentment towards yourself. And these feelings follow us throughout our life.

Self-doubt has become a social norm. We have learned to set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and to seek approval from our peers for everything that we do. We no longer believe that our best is good enough. We always want to be better than that person. We don't strive to be our own best, we strive to be other's best and we lose our sense of self-worth.

We are taught that if we don't meet these expectations set in front of us, then we will not succeed. But we fail to realize that everyone is at a different stage in their lives. People can be going through the exact same situation and feel a completely different range of emotions.

I take a lot of pictures and most people don't understand why and I don't expect them to. I take pictures for myself. I don't take pictures to be the "best", I take pictures to be my best. Photography is my way of looking back. For me, pictures are memories. They allow me to hold onto past experiences without letting them hold me back from making future ones.

I constantly feel the need to document my life because even the seemingly insignificant moments can evoke the most powerful emotions. I love that I can look at photos and remember the exact moment in time. I can remember exactly what I was thinking, feeling and doing when the picture was taken. And maybe in that moment, life wasn't particularly great, but I can look back and know that that person in that picture survived. She moved forward.

I don't own a very nice camera. It's not a DSLR Canon or Nikon (although I am saving up). And a lot of the times I use the flash directly from my camera *gasp* because my camera's settings aren't the greatest and sometimes the pictures come out fuzzy/blurry. None of that keeps me from being happy with the moments I have captured.

I am proud of what I have created. I'm proud of how much I have grown in the past year as a photographer and a person. And I am no longer scared of being proud of the pictures I have taken.

And even though photography has become such an important aspect of my life, I've never treated it as more than a hobby to my peers because I'm scared to admit just how important it has become to me. I'll catch myself praising a picture I took and then veer off and insult myself in the same breath. This isn't because I don't believe that the pictures I take are good or that I personally don't believe in myself, it's because I'm too scared of what other people will think.

What if they think I'm just awful? They probably laugh at me behind my back.  

The truth is, I don't take these photographs for anyone else's approval, praise, or criticism. No one else's opinions matter except my own. And if I am proud of the work I have done or the things that I have accomplished then that is all the reassurance I need. I'm not saying that criticism is a bad thing, I'm just saying that I don't let it take away from my own opinion and I don't let it cloud my judgment.

I don't claim to be the best at anything, but that doesn't mean I can't be proud or feel accomplished with myself.

I'm moving past this fear. I no longer feel the need to be insecure about what I do and I'm allowing myself to feel that sense of pride. There is no sense in living life taking everything that everyone else says or believes personally. Ultimately in the end, it matters what I think of myself.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Moving on....

The last two weeks have been the worst two weeks of my life. I honestly am surprised I made it through them without doing something completely irrational. However, those two weeks are over. I made the agonizing move from my University in Montana back to my hometown in Wisconsin/Minnesota. I spent twenty four hours on a bus with the majority of my stuff still sitting in boxes at my dorm.When I got off the bus I actually felt relieved. Not because I wanted this to happen, but because I'm moving forward. I didn't let my financial situation ruin me. I didn't let myself give up. I'm still fighting and I guess that's really all that matters.

And I have a new love for my hometown. Granted, I don't really want to live here past January, but I have a lot more of an appreciation for this town. This is my home and this is where I belong right now. I firmly believe that everything in the past two weeks that has happened to me, has happened for a reason. And I'm actually still happy right now. I was so upset a week ago and I no longer feel upset or angry or any other negative emotion.

I'm living with my best friend and her family. I didn't even ask them. As soon as I told them what was happening, they called me and bought me a bus ticket back. I will never know how to thank them. I have no words to describe how grateful I am to have them in my life. They helped me when no one else did and it's an amazing feeling to know that there are people like that in the world.

Okay now that's out of the way. It's finally starting to feel like Fall! And I am so excited.

(This was taken with my iPhone and I'm in love with IOS7 and the new camera features.)
I've already been obsessed with eating anything pumpkin. And I'm already planning for Halloween because this is the first Halloween in three years I'm not volunteering at the public library's Haunted House they throw every year. Fall is my favorite time of the year. It's when I feel most at peace and it makes me incredibly happy. It's also my favorite time of year to take pictures. :) I hope I can get some cool shoots in this year.

Crop Top/Shoes: Small Outlet Store Chain Skirt: Forever 21 Cardigan: Target

Also, do you love my little plastic mason jar cup as much as I do? I know I could easily just use a regular glass mason jar, but I'm so clumsy so this one is just so much easier to carry around with me.

Currently on Repeat: I And Love And You by The Avett Brothers

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Passing the Roadblocks

So a lot of things have transpired. I'm quite frightened and incredibly stressed. I can no longer sit through a meal and I've been finding it increasingly hard to make it through the day. I no longer know what is in store for me. I have no idea what is going to happen to me in the next couple of days, let alone the next year. And I'm lost. I'm lost for words and I'm exhausted.

That being said, obviously these things are happening for a reason. And I don't want to feel the way I do right now.

I realize that I have hit a low and I know that things are not okay right now, but all I can do is hope for the best in the future.

I know that I might lose the things I have been working towards. And I know that I may lose the things I want the most in the next few days, but miracles happen and things will turn out in the end. Even if it's not in the way I expected.

So right now even though I am shaking with fear of what is yet to come and I can barely make it through a conversation, I know that this is just a point of struggle in my life and that I will survive.

And I will become stronger in the end because of it.

I will never let this stop me from becoming the person I want to be.

I really want to just shine a spotlight on the person who has probably been there for me throughout every thing that I have gone through in the last two years. Between letting me stay at her house three times for weeks on end because I had nowhere else to go, to letting me cry in hers and her mother's arms, to putting me on a plane so I could see family for Christmas, to treating me like family and talking me down when I needed it the most, to skyping me while she's cleaning the toilet, to watching Drake and Josh and Bridalplasty and Arrested Development and the many other shows we can watch for hours on end, to making clams, to always being ready to be my model when I have an idea for a shoot, and to just being there when no one else seems to be. She's done everything and more for me. I don't know what I did to deserve a best friend like her, but I am incredibly blessed.

Also- looking at this makes me realize that my hair has been a ton of different colors.

Currently on Repeat: I Know You Care by Ellie Goulding (Thanks to me watching Now Is Good earlier this week)

Sunday, September 8, 2013

In which Chris Traeger leaves

I will admit that my attachment to fictional characters tends to go a little far.
And yes, I have probably rewatched Parks and Rec at least five times.
I realize that this is just a show and it has so actual role in my life

Deal with it Kaili. Move on.

But when I found out that Chris Traeger and Ann Perkins were leaving the show, my heart may have actually hurt. And I've realized that this has actual significant meaning in my life. It's not so much the characters in the show leaving me.

I've spent a good portion of my life taking a page from Peyton Sawyer's book and I have constantly told myself that

I would write this as a reminder to myself every single day. And every once in a while I still catch myself believing it.

It's not the characters. The characters are a representation of my own life. In all honesty, when I found out that Chris and Ann were leaving the show, it all suddenly hit me, and I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly because I feel like I'm losing essential characters in my own life. And even though I feel that way, I'm too afraid to try and pull them back to me. To tell them how much I don't want to lose them.

I'm afraid. And I'm not okay with that.

I'm going back and I'm starting to believe that everyone really does leave. And I'm starting to beat myself up for becoming too attached....but I shouldn't. I shouldn't because if people choose to leave, if they decide to move on and cut me out of their lives, stop talking to me and pretend I don't exist, then they aren't worth holding onto anymore. 

I believe that if you truly want to have a relationship with someone-friendship, family, romantic or otherwise-then you're going to actually try to make an effort. And if the other person isn't going to try and make an effort then I shouldn't subject myself to grovelling at their feet.

Basically I just have to stick to what I know to be true: 
I'm a good person.
People change.
Life moves on. 
If it's meant to be, it will be. 
It will be okay in the end.

I don't regret letting myself get attached to people. I don't regret allowing myself to be vulnerable. The things that have happened to me have happened, I can't change that. In the end I'm a better person for that. 

So maybe I have to lose a few Chris Traegers or Ann Perkins along the way, but that's a part of life. And who knows maybe we'll find our way back to each other in the end. Maybe things won't be the same or maybe it will be like things never changed. I guess it's just a waiting game.

I think that these thoughts are the reason why Like Crazy is currently my favorite movie.

Sweater: Old Navy Pants: H&M Flats: Old Navy

Currently On Repeat: Ode To Sleep by Twenty One Pilots

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Sunday Playlist 9/8/2013

On Friday I was walking around town and I walked past this restaurant and they were playing Frank Sinatra which resulted in this weekends playlist becoming entirely inspired by Sinatra.

  1. I've Got You Under My Skin- Frank Sinatra
  2. Luck Be A Lady- Frank Sinatra
  3. Come Fly With Me- Frank Sinatra
  4. Little Brown Jug- Glenn Miller
  5. A Wink And A Smile- Harry Connick Jr.
  6. The Dock Of The Bay- Otis Redding
  7. Breakfast At Tiffany's- Henry Mancini
  8. Let's Call The Whole Thing Off- Harry Connick Jr.
  9. It Had To Be You- Harry Connick Jr.
  10. Love Is Here To Stay- Harry Connick Jr.
  11. We Are In Love- Harry Connick Jr.
  12. Too Darn Hot- Ella Fitzgerald
  13. The Lady Is A Tramp- Frank Sinatra
  14. Buona Sera- Louis Prima
  15. I Wanna Be Like You- Louis Prima
  16. L-O-V-E- Nat King Cole
  17. Beyond The Sea- Bobby Darin
  18. It's A Good Day- Peggy Lee
  19. You Make Me Feel So Young- Frank Sinatra
  20. Smile- Harry Connick Jr.
Spotify Playlist:

Have a Sinatra fueled day.

Update: In case you were curious my weekends here in a nutshell look like this:

I don't get out much. Let's hope that changes eventually.

Weekend Lists

Weekend Favorites
Movie of the Moment: Like Crazy
Currently Listening to: Sinatra
Book of the Moment: The Four Agreements
Food of the Moment: Vegan Sushi

This weekend I've been thinking about:
Travelling to: California, Seattle, Portland, Austin and New York in the next year
Making a solid decison about whether or not to transfer to an art school for photography. So far the best art schools in the United States seem to be The Art Institue of San Francisco, Parsons, Pratt, California College of the Arts. It's a really hard decision to make for me right now.
The schools I applied to last year: FloridaSU, NorthernArizonaU, IowaSU, SanFransciscoSU, ColumbiaCollegeChicago but I ended up withdrawing all of my applications. I think I was too scared, but I'm glad I decided to go here.
How much I love the West. I really want to move to the West coast. It's so beautiful here.
Becoming a much more confident person
Taking a media arts/graphic design class and using it in my photography
Exploring Missoula
My excitement for Fall
Disney College Program next Fall
Study Abroad in Switzerland, France, or the UK

ALSO. I WAS HIRED TO PHOTOGRAPH A MATERNITY SHOOT IN DECEMBER AND I AM FREAKING OUT. I'm so nervous. Agh. I need advice from people. I really want this to be special.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Impeccably Fearless Friday

Today was not the best picture day for me. I  no longer fit into anything larger than a size small and all of my skirts and shorts are too big on me now.

Shirt: H&M Shorts: Forever 21 Shoes: Old Navy

In the past year I have learned and conquered more things than I have in my entire life. And I really feel like I know myself better now than I did last Fall. Last Fall I had trouble even doing the most minor tasks without falling apart. Getting out of bed every morning was a huge chore. I felt like I was waking up into a nightmare and I welcomed nightmares at night because I'd rather experience those than I would experience life.
I've grown and I will continue to grow. And I'm proud to say, I don't think my life is a nightmare anymore. I wake up every day and I remember all the things I have learned and I feel a little better.

  1. You're worth more than you think you are. While you may have had a difficult year never give in and believe yourself to be worthless.
  2. An eating disorder is not going to be overcome over night. And you aren't going to be magically fine just by eating. And telling people that you're fine isn't going to make them any less worried. This is a battle that's not going to come easily, but you just have to keep on fighting.
  3. Don't take everything so personally. Other's opinions about yourself are irrelevant.
  4. It's okay to ask for help. Everyone needs help sometimes.
  5. It's okay to not be okay.
  6. Being vulnerable is a trait to be admired, not mocked. Vulnerability is the key to any type of relationship. Don't live in fear of rejection because of how you feel or what you enjoy.
  7. Fear is the root of all of life's problems. When you live in fear, you're holding yourself back.
  8. You're not defined by your relationships. Stand up for yourself. Fight for yourself. And never ever think that your relationship plays a bigger role in life than it should.
  9. You have a lot of love to give and you have a lot of love being given to you, embrace it. Don't close yourself off to the people who care about you.
  10. If it's meant to be, it will be. Don't spend every single day worried about it. Don't question fate. Things will fall into place. 
  11. It's okay to say no to people. Stop feeling so guilty about it. 
  12. It is the quality that defines a relationship not the quantity of time.
  13. Judgments mean nothing. Judgments don't define you or anyone else. 
  14. Love yourself. It's okay that you are proud of who you are. It's okay to be proud of yourself. Its okay to love people who don't necessarily love you the same way back or to have feelings for people who don't have feelings as strong as you do. Stop being ashamed of confidence. You're not conceited, stop telling yourself that you are.
P.S. I know I look pregnant in the first picture. That's just proof that those shorts were too big on me haha they were falling past my waist.

Currently on repeat: I've Got You Under My Skin -Frank Sinatra

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Impeccably New

A Fresh start is what I've decided I need. I started blogging my Junior year of high school. Here I am two and a half years later and I've decided I really don't want to continue with my blogs from back then. I need something new. So here we go.

Blogging is something that I love because I get to combine my passions: photography and writing.

Shirt: gift Skirt: Forever21 Cardigan: Target Pictures taken/edited by me

It think I'm finally ready to commit to a blog. Hopefully you're ready to read it.