Monday, September 30, 2013

On Pain.

I feel as if I have a loose thread that keeps me from holding myself together sometimes.

This is going to be another text heavy post.

I had a lot of plans for things to write this week, but I'm going to hold off because I think that this is something I need to address.

If I could pretend the last few days of my life never happened, I would in a heartbeat. Actually if I could forget the last month of my life happened I wouldn't hesitate. That's not reality though.

Here's the thing, I convinced myself that I was okay. I felt so good and I didn't think that I had anything to worry about anymore.

I am so scared, I am scared of so much. I'm scared every single day of my life and while this isn't something I would normally admit to myself it's the truth. The fear I feel in living each and every day is sometimes overwhelming. I'm not scared of any one thing. I'm not scared of other people. And I didn't really understand this fear at all, but after this past weekend I realized that I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of my future. I'm scared of not knowing what lies ahead of me. I'm scared of who I am and not knowing who I am going to become. I'm afraid of being weak and vulnerable.

It's not even that anything particularly awful happened to me in the past few days. Actually, I can't really remember most of the past few days, it's all a blur to me right now. However, the past few days have probably been the wake up call that I needed.

I woke up Sunday finally realizing that this pain that I felt earlier this month. The pain that I had convinced myself was gone, it's still there.

And it hits me in waves at the most unexpected moments. And in all honesty, the pain isn't unbearable. It's not so much something I dwell on. I am really happy with who I am as a person and I've transitioned rather gracefully this month.

The problem I have with this pain is how I deal with it. It's like one tug on that one loose thread and I fall to pieces. And I try to sew myself back together, but i can never quite get it right. I'm not strong enough to cut that thread. And when I fall to pieces again instead of sewing myself up again I drown in the pain. I let it consume me until I feel almost nothing. I let it convince me that there's nothing left of me to be saved.

I really really want to make it clear that I don't constantly feel this pain. I don't really feel this pain so much right now, but I felt it Saturday and all of Sunday. The thing about pain is that it's impossible to just cut it off. It's impossible for me to just not feel it. Pain is inescapable. Everyone is going to feel it and while obviously no one wants to feel it in some ways this pain can be a good thing. It can make you stronger, you can learn from this pain. Pain comes in so many different forms that sometimes it's hard to even understand what is causing it in the first place.

One day I'm going to overcome this pain. I'm going to cut that thread and I'm no longer going to feel like I'm just a bunch of different pieces precariously perched on top of one another waiting to fall down again. I think that the only way I'm going to work through the pain is to finally accept it and realize that it's temporary. Whatever hurts me right now will probably make me stronger in the future.

I don't really know what this pain stems from. I think that for the most part, my pain is caused by my fear.

****I'm fine by the way.This was more just a post working through my own thoughts at the moment because I find writing tends to be my best therapy.****


  1. I hope that this pain doesn't consume your life, I know that we all feel it in some form within our life! My hope is that you go back to school and get the education that you so deserve to become the person yo want to be! I love you kai shay, you're a very strong and determined young lady! Love Mom

  2. K I'm sorry you feel like you do, I think you've grown into a beautiful young lady.I have nothting but sweet memories when I think back on you growing up. When you came to live with us in RF ,I think of you walking to school 'very slowly" and I would have to stick my head out and yell Kaili your going to be late, I guess you were just stopping to smell the roses, something all of us should do now and then. I think back on my own childhood and I guess I had a lot of loose threads and it took me a long time to overcome but in the end I got what I always dreamed of 4 beautiful girls and a loving husband. I kknow you will become a great in what ever you deside in life ,it just may not come as soon as you want . You write very well and I'm sure you will succeed in what ever you do, just take it slow and enjoy life also.Love you much. Grandma


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