Tuesday, May 20, 2014

What am I doing?


(I look really awful in this picture, but it was one of the last days I got to spend with my best friend/Ann Perkins before she left for New York to pursue her dreams. So proud of her!)
This is just a repost from my tumblr, but I felt like I needed to update here since I haven't updated in so long. I'm doing well. I'm trying and I know that I'll get through whatever comes my way. 
I like the idea of earning everything I get in life. That’s why I work two jobs. I’m exhausted and work sixteen hours out of the day most of the time, but it’s reassuring to know that I’m able to do it. My body aches and my feet hurt horribly, but I’m okay. I still walk two miles to work every day and two miles back sometimes making the trip twice. And I work thirty hours straight, come home and still get up for work in five hours. Everyone thinks I’m crazy and I’m told to quit one of my jobs by pretty much everyone I know, but it’s such an amazing feeling to look at myself and realize how much potential I actually have. I work so hard and I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere in life.
The other week, I tried to renter the school I attended my first semester of college. I failed two classes so I had to talk to the dean directly and she told me that I wasn’t worthy of an education at the college level and she told me to come back when I could prove that I am. There is so much I wish I would’ve have said to her. I should have stood up for myself and told her how wrong she was, but I believed her. I told myself that I haven’t earned an education. I haven’t worked hard enough to be someone in life. But I can’t help but wonder, if I’m not working hard enough now, how much harder can I actually work? Being told that I can’t do something by someone who has absolutely no knowledge or insight into my life is one of the most demeaning and heartbreaking things. This woman decided my future in less than two minutes. And while I believed her in that moment, there is no evidence to suggest that I have not earned an education. I had a hard semester two years ago. I struggled with self doubt, I stopped eating, I stopped caring and all I wanted to do was give up. I may have failed two of my classes, but I finished the semester and I talked to all of my professors directly about my struggles and I even emailed the dean to set up an appointment when I knew failing was a possibility. Not only did the dean not care, but I was told that they were too busy to sit down with me. I am not a failure because I failed. I’m proud that I had the courage to stand back up and pick up my life again. I’ve proven to myself that I can make it. I haven’t given up. I’ve pushed myself and I am one of the hardest working people I know. There is no one in this world who can tell me that I am not “worthy”. Don’t ever tell someone that they can’t do something, because anyone can do anything. 
And most importantly: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt