Tuesday, October 28, 2014


I'd be lying if I said that I love where I am in life or if I came on here and wrote a frilly blog post about how much I love myself and my life. 

If you want the truth the here it is: I am 21 in a few months, I am not currently attending school haven't been for a while now, but I plan on going back. I live in a town that I have dreamt of leaving since elementary school. I work full time overnights and as a result I don't sleep on my days off.

Last night was my first night off in a week and I stayed up all night watching Grey's Anatomy and ate a whole pizza in a makeshift fort on the floor of my room. And now I'm typing this. 

I am smart, incredibly independent and strong, but I do not have everything together. I'm surrounded by boxes right now  because I don't want to unpack and I don't even own a bed. I feel uncomfortable in my own house and in my own skin. 

This isn't a post to make you feel bad for me. I'm just here to tell you the truth. Because no one seems to want to write about the hard stuff. 

No ones life is perfect and mine certainly isn't either, but that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. I know that life won't always be like this. And I know that part of the reason it is like this is my fault. 

You see, I'm scared. I'm so damn scared. I'm scared of failure so I keep pushing my enrollment in college back. I'm scared of facing reality so I work and I work until I'm burnt out. I'm scared of letting people know that I'm scared so I've isolated myself. I'm scared of facing the reality that nothing is going to be easy so I just tell myself that someday it'll be better.

But that "someday" is going to be here before I know it. And I'm the one who's going to have to make it happen. I'm the one who is responsible for my happiness. 

No ones life is perfect. Some people choose to hide their demons and some choose wear them. I choose not to face them, but I know I have to start. 

When I was little I used to believe that before we are born we sit down with God or some higher being and discussed what our life would be like. I had this idea in my head that our life was predetermined down to every last minor detail and decision. And that's how I convinced myself that things would always improve. 

I don't know what I believe anymore. I don't know even know what i believe in and I don't know if I believe fully that things will be okay. I just know that I have to try. 

My life is nowhere near perfect, but neither is yours. Who decides what is or isn't perfect anyways? I have a damn good life and I wouldn't change it for the world. Every little imperfection makes up who I am and who I am going to be as a whole. And if I wasn't in the place I was now then maybe I wouldn't recognize the need I have to grow. 

It's never too late to reevaluate your life. Don't wait for your someday. Because that day is and it should be now.  

1 comment:

  1. i love this so much!! like…. so much. i can't even. AMEN SISTER.


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